Change

I know this is more of an end-of-year topic, but my birthday is on Thursday, and every year around the time of my birthday, I reflect back. What has happened in the last year that may have changed who I am, or where my place is in this world? For too many years, I was in the same place as I had been the year before. And the last time I felt this way-I was determined that the next year would be diffrent. And it was. I was in a bad situation at work that I allowed to rule my life. I had a boss that manipulated me, and my job ruled who I was. Over the course of six years, I had turned into someone I am still trying to shake off. I was/am leery of people, and what they want from me. What are they planning for me behind my back? What is being said when I leave the room? How can I counter-attack when they make their move?
I never let anyone get close to me. I have problems trusting that people's intentions are true and honest. And I care only for myself too much of the time.
These are things that I had to develop in order to survive my everyday life. But a year and a half ago, the very simplest, stupidest thing became the straw that broke the camel's back.

They wanted me to wear a uniform to work.

That's what made me change my life. Clothes. The day I found out that we would be put into uniforms, I made a comment to a life-long friend, and my life was changed forever. I inquired as to a position where her sister worked. There were positions available, and I got one, and I left that place forever. When I found out in May that my job may be 'impacted', my biggest fear was that I would end up back at the place I had just left. I know that they would take me back, and I didn't burn the bridge when I left. But my fear of never breaking out of the survival-mode I am still stightly stuck in is intense. I don't want to go back there. Ever.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Last year on my birthday, I took the day off and treated myself to a mini shopping spree. YAY! And at the time, I was in hardcore weight loss mode. I was at a crucial time with the losing. I was at a weight that I had reached before, but hadn't been able to go below. This was the weight I always reached just before I quit. But last year-I didn't quit. I continued to lose. And that is probably the first indication that this year-my 28th-would be different.

So New Year's came along. And I'm not big on the whole resolution thing-but I had a goal. Around the holidays-I started feeling lonely. I was feeling good, and my energy was up. I wanted to go places, but had nowhere to go. So I decided that my goal of 2007 was going to be to find a hobby. Not just any hobby-but one that got me out of the house at least once a week, and had people my age, and something that I just loved to death. What would it be, I wondered. Weeks I thought about what I enjoy doing. Cards? Sure-but in this area, I'd be the youngest by at least 50 years. No, I thought, not cards. What else do I like doing. Crochet? Yeah, that's ok, but I've done alot of blankets, and I cannot find anything else I want to crochet.

And then one night-I still remember that exact moment-I was outside with the dog, still pondering, and it just popped into my head.

Knitting!

Of course. I had enjoyed it, and I know there is an SnB in Lancaster. Yes! I hurried inside and pulled out the sweater in progress that had been hiding in the back of my closet. My needles started clicking away that night, and haven't stopped since!
I started attending SnB, and made great friends-some of them have become close friends.

But most important-I had finally found my thing. I love knitting. I truly do. Right now, as I type this, I'm thinking I'd rather be knitting!

So I had found it, and life was going great. And then May happened. And we knew we had to wait until August to find out any news. I'm sure you're thinking that it had to be a long summer waiting, and maybe you're right. For my co-workers. For myself, I have a back burner that I can tune out. Ididn't worry at all. In fact-I didn't even think about it unless someone else brought it up. I just put the whole thing to the back of my mind, and didn't worry. Why worry? It wasn't going to change anything. It wasn't going to make August come any faster. We had to wait. That's all there is to it.

And then August arrived. And the worrying did start. And so did the rumors. And then it was August 16th, The Day. And I got my blue folder, just like everyone else in the building. And now the REAL worrying began. What if I couldn't find anything and I had to go back to my old job? I knew they would take me back. I knew that that place was my back-up, and it scared the crap out of me. but somewhere around the beginning of September it occured to me that I didn't have to go back. There are jobs out there, and I am a good worker and an honest person. I would find something. And I did.

But it wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't my old job, and that was good, but going back to my old job had become an impossibility in my mind by then, so I had moved on to what I wanted. The new job was farther from home, for the same amount of money, and would probably only last a year or two. So I found another job. I start in a week and a half, and it's closer to home, and more money. The people seem nice, and it's a big company that is expanding the facility. It seems as secure as it can in today's economy. I worry that my boss might be an a-hole, but it's too early judge, and his office is on a diffrent floor. Worring about it seems premature at this point. I'm going to hope for the best. Afterall, you can't tell alot about a person from just being around them for one hour.

So this catches us up. Yesterday, I won some money on a radio station. And I am very grateful because Christmas is coming in less then two months, AND I have to buy a new wardrobe for the new job. So the money is very much needed.

Call it my survival-mode thing, but now I'm in worry mode. Things are going very well, but what bad thing is around the corner? Is something bad going to happen to even out the good stuff coming my way? Paranoid? Yeah-a little. :)

So that's been my year of change. This past year has brought more change in my life then any I can recall.

Ahhh......forgot to touch on the personal life thing. I am still alone. And I cannot for the life of me figure out why. I used to think it was because I was fat. Guys don't like fat girls. But I've lost weight, and still no guy. Am I giving off vibes? Like stay-away-from-me vibes?? And where in the hell do you meet guys??? This seems to be my biggest hurdle. I don't meet guys. All my friends are married and don't have single guy friends. What's up with that?? I have got to get better friends! (Just kidding!) This is the one area in my life that has not changed. And I don't know how to change it. I swear-sometime at the bookstore, I'm gonna just walk up to someone and start a conversation or something. First checking for a ring, of course. The guys my age are ususally married. Honestly.

What will the next year bring? Who knows. Life is finally getting interesting though, and that's always a good thing!

I think my biggest worry is that next year, when I turn 30, I will still be alone. My greatest wish is to find.....not just a boyfriend, but a best friend that I am in love with and can share my life with. I want to be happy, and to a point, I am, but being in love would make me even happier.

Disclaimer:I will not settle. Never ever. It's got to be the right guy, or no dice. For real.

Ok-I'm going to go knit now. I hope you enjoyed my reflective mood and my bad spelling. Life is too short to look up every word. :)

Happy Knitting!